I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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