I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
