I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize