Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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