U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
two words...techno handjob
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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