Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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