I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
