I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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