Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
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