1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
