i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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