She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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