dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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