I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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