don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
is wine microwaveable?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
