i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
