How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i drank out of a bidet.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
