omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize