did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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