I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
