every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
