i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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