I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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