Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
