so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
