I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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