Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
