Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
