Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
