If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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