apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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