and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
