My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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