I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
