mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
