I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
