Sponge bath it is.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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