the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
