I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
