I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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