worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
