he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
there's paper in my vomit.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
