I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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