No awkward lesbian experiences without me
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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