i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I didn't notice because vodka
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
