She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm passing your future prison.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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