eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Can you bring me the toilet please
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
