I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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