If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
