the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
