You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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