sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
