Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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