i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
