My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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