Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
