dude i'm inner monologue high
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
