I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
