Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
false alarm, still single
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
