she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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