Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
