Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
