So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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